She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
