Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
