I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
