Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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