I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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