you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
