I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
