You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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