I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
