you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I could fuck to npr.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize