I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
