I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
