i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
