I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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