I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
