fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
