the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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