2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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