My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
