Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
