I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
