i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
