Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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