Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
