all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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