I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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