So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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