At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
