He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
