If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
