STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
