the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
