why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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