You just made me feel so damn special
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
