why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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