when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The adults are the big ones right?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
