Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
