nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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