So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
