I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
