Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
