Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
