Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die