He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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