I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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