They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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