Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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