onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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