Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
