Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
