I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
