And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
