She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
