the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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