When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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