i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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