I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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