guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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