i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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