Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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