I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
