Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
