If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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